this new year.

new years resolutions ...really :)


1. read at least one good book a month
(preferably by an old school author: lewis, chesterson, etc.)

2. play guitar more and sing more

3. the typical: loose weight.
(but for real. 10lbs = realistic, 15 would be better.)

4. appreciate learning

5. appreciate the moment. each one.


one of my favorites :)

great words.


'we make men without chests and
expect of them virtue and enterprise.
we laugh at honor and are shocked
to find traitors within our midsts.'
-c.s. lewis. abolition of man

thanks ffi, for passing this one on <3

pinch me.

i am absolutely i LOVE with this song...
it must have some connection to colorado in the back of my mind... :)

it's live... so they make it a little sketch?... and they changed the besttt parts.
sad. but it's still fantastic!!



100 years.



love this song. so. much.

wear sunscreen.

wear sunscreen.

if i could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. the long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. i will dispense this advice now.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. oh, never mind. you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. you are not as fat as you imagine.

don't worry about the future. or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle tuesday.

do one thing every day that scares you.

sing.

don't be reckless with other people's hearts. don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

floss.

don't waste your time on jealousy. sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. the race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

remember compliments you receive. forget the insults. if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

keep your old love letters. throw away your old bank statements.

stretch.

don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. the most interesting people i know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. some of the most interesting 40-year-olds i know still don't.

get plenty of calcium. be kind to your knees. you'll miss them when they're gone.

maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. your choices are half chance. so are everybody else's.

enjoy your body. use it every way you can. don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

do not read beauty magazines. they will only make you feel ugly.

get to know your parents. you never know when they'll be gone for good. be nice to your siblings. they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

live in new york city once, but leave before it makes you hard. live in northern california once, but leave before it makes you soft. travel.

accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise. politicians will philander. you, too, will get old. and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

respect your elders.

don't expect anyone else to support you. maybe you have a trust fund. maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. but you never know when either one might run out.

don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. advice is a form of nostalgia. dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

but trust me on the sunscreen.

good stuff.


other peoples words... that i like a lot :)


'i believe that everything happens for a reason.

people change so that you can learn to let go,

things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right,

and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.'


'like anyone else i dont like change, but something

i have learned is that don't let it get ya down...'

-my friend mark :)


'our pain is never wasted'

-prof black.


'you can't look at the past and wish you could

relive it, you just have to learn from it'

-gino


'give what you have. to someone,

it may be better than you dare to think.'

jump.


i want to be in one of these pictures...


....

....


...just sayin. :)

a thousand words.


i'm not good with words. but pictures speak a thousand, right?
i feel like i'm the little girl in this picture... just there.




i feel like the balloon is floating away because i'm realizing that i will never get spring 09 (ffi) back... maybe something better will come along... but really? at this moment i really don't think so. maybe i'll be utterly amazed sometime... but... hmm... i guess that's just a wait and see. sometimes i hopefully think that that couldn't be the best time of my life (even thought it was the best thing up to now!!), but then i catch myself wondering 'what if it was?'.

the balloon is floating away because i feel like i am so lost with where i am in life right now. what in the world am i doing? is my heart going to ache of regret when i look back on this time in my life? that terrifies me. it terrifies me.

the balloon is floating away because i feel like i have lost direction, passion, desire.



i feel like the little girl because, at the core of me, i'm just me. and i really don't know who that is yet.

i am the little girl because i look at the real world, of real people, and honestly sometimes i just want to be invisible. i'm not scared, i just feel so separate. so unready. and the balloon floats further. what am i doing right now?

in the mind of that little girl i just stand. where do i go... what do i love... what makes me angry... what now...?



and still... behind my field of vision... something reminds me:
there is always hope.

so i stand. i'm asking. where is it?

given more than beyond measure.

i am so thankful for: my immediate family. my extended family. my cefc family. my focus family. my high school friends. collision/united front kids. eat n' p. food. indiana pa. shelcota. an amazing house. all the amazing people who have filled it- especially over the past 5 years. safety. a future. possibilities. clean water. money. electricity. technology. laughing. friendly faces. democracy. freedom. education. love. and. so. much. more.

in the end.


'... so in the end every major disaster, every tiny error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood, sweat and tears - everything has meaning. i give it meaning. i reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted and nothing ceases to be precious to me.'

you know that hurt?

i'm not gonna lie. i just spent the last hour and a half watching videos from a night at focus. ha it was a late night. it should have been filled with writing a paper and hours of reading... but, in apt 1021, it was filled with prank calling- everyyyone in omega. ha.
can i just tell you? my soul hurts. i want to go back. right now. like there was a clip of me and ash having a lil fight :) i want that back. there's the click of ben hanging up on me after 3 seconds. well that could be replicated i'm sure if i called him right now :) but it wouldn't be close to the same. hahaha where do i even, ugh, start? how are we supposed to deal with the realization that some things we will just never get back?
so many feelings. ah and writing never seems to come close to capturing them. all i know is... jan 09 to april 09 was the highest peak in my life. it was like being on top of pike('s peak). look down and everything seems so orderly, so figured out. then you get back down to those roads that once looked so perfectly planned and you realize you have no clue what's going on.

pike...

from the top of pike...

my soul longs to be on top of the mountain again...
...like nothing else.

just dreaming. counting the ways to where you are.

i want to: go to times square for new years. live in a loft in a city like chattanooga. live in another country, like ireland or africa. play background music in a coffee shop. climb a 5.11. write a song. skydive. know myself. loose 15 pounds (get healthy!). run a marathon. understand world religions. get an slr camera and use it. paint more. read more. love more. dance in the rain with someone i love. vacation on a lake. get a golden retriever. meet a best friend. be an awesome mom. work in a coffee shop that's not a chain. influence groups of people who are in the stage of life i just graduated from. rd at focus would be amazing. live into me. change the parts of the world i come in contact with. live.


... there's never a wish better than this when you've only got a 100 years to live ...

uncommon.

" i want to finally take the road less traveled...
...i want to run away from anything typical...
...i want the world to see the life i'm living...
...and call it... uncommon. "



'there are greater things ahead
than anything we leave behind...'
-c.s. lewis

mmm amazing friends.

ash and becks. holy cow i just love them so much!! they are both so incredible and, in different ways, they both make my life so great. hanging out with them last weekend was so good for my soul. it really was like a little family get together, only more. and they are only a fraction of the amazing family that grew into my life at ffi.


focus gave me the best friends i could ask for. all of them. give me a weekend with anyone who was at ffi spring 09 and i will be so so sooo thrilled.

i love that, at anytime, i can call, text, facebook, whatever, anyone from ffi and not think twice. i can vent and laugh and be confused about the 'whys?' (whit), my soul can be renewed with more passion (ben), i can dream about the future (becky), i can share struggles (holly, rachel), i can laugh about everything or nothing at all (ash), and i can live into who i'm supposed to be, and just... be.
thank you to the odgens for starting ffi. thank you dr. tackett for believing in it and for who you are. thank you leeland, pamps, j-slat, robtom and elania for pouring out wisdom. thank you everyone involved for giving me the best 4 months of my life... thank you God for planning that into the script you have written... while i am just me. :)

a daily goal...


| learning to breathe by switchfoot |

"awaken what's inside of me,
and tune my heart to all You are
and and even though You're here,
God come.
may the vision of You be the death of me,
and even though You've given everything,
Jesus come."
- shane and shane

oh oh we need each other.

so. something really great happened tonight. i mean... k maybe great isn't the right word... but it was awesome. i got a phone call from one of the guys from in my youth group who i've gotten to know during the past 2 summers. i've always thought he was an awesome, deep kid, but i really only knew certain parts of his life and his heart that he would let me in on.

but so tonight this guy called me and just like filled me in on so. much. of what's going on in his life right now. during the hour we talked he really put himself out there, which was awesome, and while i really wished i could have given him more advice, i loved that he called me. i was so honored that he felt comfortable enough with our relationship to be so honest and straight and i was almost excited (probably the wrong word...) that he chose me to call when there were definitly other people he could have called. it was really just so awesome to me that he trusted me enough to let me in on some really private things in his heart and that he thought that i whatever i had to say would help him out.

but gosh i feel so blessed by this relationship because i'm pretty positive that's how things in our society should be... older people giving advice to people who are just a little younger than them. there was nothing abosoluely fantastic about what i told this guy, but i really don't think that he would have heard whatever it was that i said, in the same way, from somebody a whole lot older than me... ya know? like, he's a senior in high school. he's a jock. he's probably not going to really listen to what a 30 year old woman or a 50 year old men tell him- even though they have so much wisdom to pass down. SO, what if every person (this is just a what if, but what if) every person, especially in our family that is the Church, was mentored by someone just a couple of years older than they were- someone just a little further along in life than them. what could happen if this was the case?
see, this kid most likely would not have taken the words i passed onto him from an older guy in the same way, but when i pass them along by making them sound like my words- by talking in a way that he'll hear it, he'll take it in, right?

this post has nothing to do with me or the guy i talked to tonight. but it totally and completely has to do with the 'what if' that is 'what if we all poured into someone who is going through the stage of life that we just graduated from?' how amazing would that be? what if...

so, i just want to encourage you, whoever you are, wherever you are in life, to find someone who is in the stage of life you just 'grew up from', and start to build a relationship with them... let that grow... and pour into them. be a blessing... ps it'll totally come back <3.

peace.

---
and i love music... it's one of my favorite things... ever.
so here's another song that is great and totally applies here :)
we need each other by sanctus real http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPm1sk-utjQ

you were meant for...

**this is my over simplified, most likely inaccurate view of something i have never seen, only heard about. and words and stories can never stand up to the real thing. but i'm throwing this out there anyway... because it's a 2 second snapshot into a story that is changing lives... in a really real way.


in brooklyn new york, there's a girl named kelly allman. a couple of years ago, kelly became a flame in a fire a lot bigger than she is. the fire was started by a man named bill wilson. bill had a dream: that the kids who live in the projects, and other horrible parts of new york, would know how much they are loved. and not just that they would know it, but that they would really experience it.
enter metro ministries. kelly works for metro, which was founded by bill. their lives are not easy- at all. to live, for them, is a daily sacrifice. but the awesome thing is that they really live for what they believe in. how many people really do that? i think that their lives look a whole lot like what life not wasted should look like. to say that i have incredible respect for them would be such an understatement... and i'm sure that my understanding of what goes on there doesn't even come close to reality.

mmm okay so what is the bottom line of what metro is doing?
they're passing this word into little lives, and big ones too:
you were meant for amazing things.

___
check out the song 'umbrellas' by sleeping at last... it's pretty incredible...
peace.
you are meant for amazing things.

simple blessings.

sooo. i think it's funny. i think it's so funny how, lately, as soon as i start taking things for granted, they get taken away, just long enough for me to realize how much of a blessing they are.

for instance, i'm running low on funds right? very low for what i'm used to. to try to fix that, i thought that i'd be picking up some extra shifts this week covering for people and therefore, make some extra moolah.
so about an hour ago, i show up for a 2 hour shift, work for 20 mins, and then find out that the girl i thought i was covering for had gotten two subs to work cover for her. bam. 2 hours off the clock. and so i was little mad (not really mad, ha just a little) right?
well 2 mins before i find out that me and the other girl were covering the same shift, i find out that another girl i was planning on covering for for a 3 hour shift on friday got someone else too... just telling me now... boo.
but all that to say as i was walking away from work a little angry in my spirit i started thinking and i was like 'what the heck... ha i have a job - 2 actually - i get enough hours, not as many as i want... but it's enough... and i have been blessed crazy abundantly... so why am i complaining'
it's at moments like these when i am reminded what a blessing a job is- even when i dread going. and it's at moments like this when i am veryyy thankful to be sitting in a too-cold library and working on one of many hours of homework, feeling too full from dinner and perfectly sore from working out.
simple blessings like this abound. thanks god <3.

"there is coming a day when

the power of love

will OVERCOME

the love of power..."

-jon weece

love.

what if...?

| streets by above the golden state |



when shadows turn to faces
when faces take on names
when names tell us their stories
of their brokenness and pain
when love flows through the cities
through the grid of all the streets
under bridges in the alleys
like blood through our veins

love is real
love will bleed
love will heal
love will need

when love is used like money
it turns into our greed
when love is more like water
then everyone will drink
so let it flow through all our cities
and flood them like the sea
fill the souls that hunger
Lord give us what we need

love will change the world
love will change the world

you can see it when He walks around
you can feel it when He moves the ground
were all colored with a crimson stain
can you see it now, can you see Him now

from the clouds to the world below
from the mountain to the city of gold
love is coming like an urgent rain
can you feel it now, can you feel Him now