why is life so up and down? sometimes i wish it was steady, but if it was steady where would the goodness of it be? the shadow proves the sunshine. the dark gives meaning to the light. the rain makes the sun brighter. and the rain refreshes the ground too.

eternal. by sanctus real. :)


I know this life I lead will pass away
Along with every other earthly thing
So I will set my heart on a higher plain
Where my treasure lies with You

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours

And I could never lose Your love to sickness
Oh I could never lose You to divorce
And there's no concept of abandonment
For I am safe within Your arms

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours
Oh I am eternally Yours
I am eternally Yours

(No abandonment)
(Safe within Your arms)

I never had enough until I found You
I never knew love until I met You
I never had enough until I found You
And now I have everything

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours
And I am eternally Yours
Oh I am eternally Yours

I could never lose You
No I will never lose You
I could never lose You

And this life will pass away
But You will never change
Oh this life will pass away
Oh but You will never change

iiiii aaaaam a dreamer.


i used to think i had undiagnosed ADD.  since as long as i can remember, it takes a LOT for me to be able to focus on one thing for a long time.  my mind just goes. to where? lord knows. but it's out there somewhere.
every played the word association game? (a personal road trip fav :) ) well my mind is like the day dream association game.  for instance: i'm sitting in philosophy class and my prof (who is really good!) is talking about... something moral related. so my imagination jumps onto the cloud of 'one day i'm working in the coffee shop- that ash and i started and own- and a stranger starts talking to me about this (morality) and i am so wise about what i'm talking about that they come to respect me and we become friends and i get to share the gospel with them...' then i float to cloud 'one day i am walking down the street and there's a bunch of high schoolers and i stop and talk to them and they think i'm cool and eventually i get to share the gospel with them...' then to cloud 'one day i'm sharing the gospel with someone who i have built up a friendship with and a gorgeous man, who is everything i've always adored in men, walks up join our conversation and then we become friends... and then more then friends....' :) theeen class is over and i have to stop day dreaming for the moment.
is this weird? heck yes! :) definitely don't think for a second that this is how i think people should live life. it's like i'm a chronic dreamer.  sometimes my dreams are way out there. sometimes they're more possible.  one of my biggest possible dreams that has been taking over my thoughts lately is dreaming up the coffee shop i want to open someday.  i dream about where it will be, who i will run it with, what colors it will be inside, what the menu board will look like, ..... for real. just about ridiculous!
now it's not like i sit down and decide to dream these dreams.  no- they're more like passing thoughts.  a million passing thoughts that have created a mountain of dreams.
i daydream about life after college, i daydream about family, i daydream about being 68 (truth), i daydream about how i will die... and the list goes on. is this crazy uncommon? i don't think so. but is this completely healthy? i don't think so either.
isn't it true that sometimes we get so wrapped up in dreams that we forget about today.  on sunday, jon weece said that for so many people that he knows, their favorite day is 'someday'. 'someday' when i buy a boat. 'someday' when i have a family. 'someday' when life slows down. and it keeps going. i am in so many ways one of those people.
one of my favorite lines from harry potter is when dumbledore tells harry 'it does not do for one to live on dreams and in doing so forget to live' and one line i've heard quoted from the music man is something like 'build up enough tomorrows and all you'll find behind you is a pile of yesterdays'.
so the conclusion that i've come to? i can't stop myself from daydreaming- it just happens :) but i CAN change what those daydreams are about. i want to memorize scripture. i want to ponder the depth of life.
what we daydream about shows us what we're mediating on.  i don't want to meditate on what tomorrow will look like- because who knows if it will ever come. i want to mediate of my abba father who i owe my life to.
mumbled thoughts? yes.
ADD? possibly.
a soul that yearns to yearn for eternity and all that that encompasses? definitely.


:)
live today. live it loud. make 'someday' today. love the lord with all your heart.

if i could write a song about my life right now... it might sound a lil like this.

sanctus real: these things take time.





and this song- this song makes me want to have a revolutionary family someday...  
which scares me a little. why? because i have yet to meet a family that rolls the 
way i've always dreamed mine will... and sometimes i worry that my dream of 
family will die when i finally have one.  sometimes i feel like i get more  boring 
as i grow up. i hope this is just a phase.  
i don't want my 20's and 30's or really any of my life too look like the lives of 
people that i see. exceptions to that? kelly allman, lindsay moore, and a few others.
i want it to look like the dreams that i started dreaming in jr. high. one of my 
heros is me in 8th grade- is that allowed? :).  

it's like over the past 3 years i've ruled out the fact that dreams can still come true. 
time to start dreaming again...

love this song.

sanctus real: lead me.




last but not least, i just discovered this song when i was writing this blog.  
i want to be able to sing it soon.


sanctus real: redeemer

today is easter. the day the we celebrate jesus not just dying for our sins, but especially his resurrection. this morning, pastor gino said that he thought today was the most important day in christianity.  i agree. happy resurrection day. on good friday, we celebrate jesus dying for our sins. (and doesn't this show us the meaning of good? good does not mean easy, simple, or the way we would always choose. it means good. profitable. for a bigger purpose.) but on resurrection day, this day, we celebrate jesus raising from the dead. therefore giving us a faith that is not dead but alive.
thank god for giving us this chance for redemption. redemption. what a beautiful word. one of my favorites. that one and moron are together in my top five. ha random i know.
here's the thing about redemption: every time i find myself caught up in the extremities of my sin, i am amazed to remember that the Hand that holds the universe holds me in my brokenness. i am awestruck when i get even a glimpse of what it truly means that god wants to redeem my soul. he is so beautiful.
why does god hate sin? most people would say because it draws us away from him, and i believe this is true, but my jesus-brother shane claiborne said something that rocked my heart. he said that he thought that god hates sin, not just because of the reason above, but also because he knows what it does to us. he hates it because he sees what it does to our hearts and our souls. it breaks our hearts and stains our souls.
thank you god for grace. and that your mercies are new every morning.
i used to think that sin would make us feel good on this earth and only in heaven would we see how broken it made our souls, but i don't think that anymore. even though our major influences tend to tell us that drinking, sex, money, and all things associated will make us happy, they don't. at least not in my life.
i have chased lovers that don't satisfy. oh how i have grown to know that they really truly do not fill us.
i would love to say that, all in all, the presence of god in our lives should be enough. period. but how hypocritical that would be of me.  i love god. not as much as i wish i would, but i love him. and i cannot say that i have ever been truly happy in a valley. valleys are sometimes called peaceful. an amazing rd i had in colorado used the term 'sweet dessert with the lord' once. i do not have the same outlook. valleys break me. desserts make me faint. i need god and real friends together. but an amazing pastor once said that we were made for relationships, and that we cannot survive by ourselves, so saying that god is enough no matter what may not be an accurate statement. i don't know how true that is, but i like that he said it. it helps me understand why i am the way i am. i don't do well being by myself for too long. it breaks me down.
it's beautiful out here at one of my top 3 places in the world: home. :) so i'm gonna go play guitar on the porch with the birds singing along in the most beautiful melodies. 'not a note is out of tune or out of place' with the amazing daffodils that are popping up 'better dressed than any girl on her wedding day'.
happy easter. happy resurrection day. praise the lord for life. for peace. for friends. for redemption. praise be to god for unfailing love. have a blessed day, friends.
here's a peak from an amazing passion play called 'the thorn' at new life church in colorado springs from last year when ash and i went to with matt bean last spring- it really doesn't do it justice though. and under it is a song that will forever remind me of good friday/easter weekend, because it's by phil wickham which reminds me of the thorn (because one of his songs was sung in it) which was over easter weekend :) k peace.

today is so beautiful. i'm sitting on our back porch, there are daffodils popping up everywhere, the birds are talkin up in the trees, the sun is shiiiiining, it's 82*, and tenth ave is on inside but it's coming to me through the screen door. today is beautiful. i just got back from 2 1/2 hour bike ride with brit... we went around the block, which out here means like 10 miles. the sun was beautiful, the trees we awesome, the corn fields told me i was home, and a stop at bandi's halfway reassured that. 
it's funny to me how the sun and warm weather seem to make life better.
so tenth ave is playing inside, and the song 'let it go' is on repeat. here are some of it's perfect lyrics: