in every season.
why is life so up and down? sometimes i wish it was steady, but if it was steady where would the goodness of it be? the shadow proves the sunshine. the dark gives meaning to the light. the rain makes the sun brighter. and the rain refreshes the ground too.
i hate consequences. sometimes they are simple. like eat too much- gain weight. don't exercise- gain weight. don't study- don't do well. simple problems like this can be easy to fix though. eat too much- eat a little less. don't exercise- exercise a little more. don't study- study harder.
but then there are the big consequences. give up dreaming- and you loose hope quickly. talk yourself down enough- you stop believing that you can. don't challenge yourself- you loose your drive to be better. these complicated consequences don't just happen they evolve. over months, years, and lifetimes.
right now i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. a big one. like a ditch on the side of the road. it's filling up with rain and making the mud walls that used to just tower over me crash in and permeate everything around me. will this mostly likly change in a couple of days when the sun comes out and dries up all the rain? sure. but until then... there's a lot of muddy water to try to breathe through.
a while ago, i fell in love with the phrase 'learning to breathe'. i thought i perfectly described where i was in life. trying to figure things, even the most simple and basic things out for myself again. but when i picutred this breathing in my head, it was like i was always in the middle of a field of wildflowers... spinning in circles (haha but really!). i never thought of 'learning to breathe' in every point of life. in the feild and on the mountain and in the icky muddy ditch.
unromantic? yes.
life? yeah.
right?
unromantic? yes.
life? yeah.
right?
so what is my hope? 1: the solid hope that i truly believe is the only thing that has gotten me this far in life is knowing that by abba father loves me like i can't even comprehend, and there is a season and a point for everything we experience. 2: my life is FULL of blessings, even when it's not in the forefront of my mind. some of these blessings i can call by name (ash, becky, callie, brit, kelly, lindsay, dr. tackett, john and marlene, annie, wade, gino and emily, mom and dad!, jess). some of these blessings i can give a name to (freedom, food, love, home, safety) and some of these things are just sometimes passing feelings that i cling on to so much when they are present (joy, peace, happiness, comfort) 3: i don't ever want to stop pursuing dreams until i'm dead.
i don't just want to be a dreamer, i want to be a doer, a pursuer. i want to be the catalyst of movement in my life.
i don't just want to be a dreamer, i want to be a doer, a pursuer. i want to be the catalyst of movement in my life.
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