have you ever had that sick feeling? the one that starts in your stomach and then spreads to your whole body? like when you hit the realization that what's done is done and you can't go back- no, really, you can't go back. tonight i was hanging out with brit in her dorm room and we were talking... and i really couldn't share my heart because i would even think of something and i felt my eyes welling up.
i asked her if she could redo anything about life what it would be- or maybe she asked me. but regardless, my answer is asbury. i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. brit and i had really great conversation tonight, but all i can think about right now is that fact that i can't redo the past 3 years of my life. fdjknvaf;adjkls. i want to go back. i want to transfer back to iup after hating asbury my freshman year. i want to make friends that live in the same world i do. i want to experience college in a way that even resembles what i always dreamed it would be. asbury is so so so so so... not it.
why? i think that at the root of all of this, my feelings are hurt... because i do not understand why this is happening to me. did i do something? did i not do something? am i a bad person? is this punishment? my constant state of heart goes between numb and angry. i am so afraid that after i graduate i am going to need years of counseling to get over this. i know that is stupid. but this is my biggest self-centered fear.
why? i hate this. my heart is breaking. and i can't take much more of this.... i do not say this angrily... i say this with a broken heart and a dying spirit...