i came home for a week. i got out of classes because pop died, so i came home monday night and i'll be till sunday. 
the whole time i've been at asbury (with the exception of a couple of weeks) i have had a hurting heart. it's not that asbury is bad place, some people love it and that is there place, but it's not mine. at all. it was the perfect school for my sister, why would i think it would be perfect for me too? my heart breaks. 
i went to asbury full of pride because i was getting out of indiana, i wasn't going to go to '13th grade' :), i was going to go to college at a place that was going to be cru on steroids. 
that's not how asbury turned out. to me, asbury is a school for some of the most awkward/strange people i have ever met, and some cool people (but their all media comm... maybe that should have been my major...). whenever i come home, and most of the time i'm at asbury, the consuming emotion of my life is regret. i feel like if i had gone to iup from the beginning have i would be having the 'college experience' i always dreamed of, the one that i was so excited about starting when i left for asbury in 2007. what happened?
people i love a lot tell me that there are awesome people everywhere and i just need to find them, or that i just need to get new friends if i don't like the ones i have, but i don't know how to convey to them that that's not how it works. 
i realize that i am abundantly blessed to have school paid for, like basically everything is paid for right now. i do realize that is incredible, but because my eyes are locked on the other side of the fence, my constant thought is that all those blessings would still have been there if i went to iup. 
last night i had more fun than possibly the rest of my semester at asbury combined. coy's, jed's, clymer, indiana, clymer again, hannah's, jed's again, moo and hannah's, adding some decoration to rachel's room :), creeping around brush valley... .  
the shadow proves the sunshine, but the shadow is so dark, and deep, and overpowering. 
sometimes i'm mad. sometimes i just cry. sometimes i just drive until i realize that i don't have the money to spend on gas, so i turn around ... :). sometimes i go shopping with money i don't have to spend, thinking that if the outside looks the way i want it to, the inside will follow, or the life i want will follow. it doesn't work. and i know that. but i still do it. 
the thing that breaks my heart the most about asbury is that i liked who i was when i left to go there, and now i don't like who i am- at all. when i'm with people at asbury, everything i say is funny, there's no expectation to be greater, there's no social state expected of me, because christians love everyone. ha.
when i was hanging out with people last night, i realized just how much i feel like asbury has socially messed me up. it's like... i don't even know. it's just ...weird. idk.
i guess, i love honesty. like if i have something in my teeth, i want you too tell me about it (ha i know- not life or death ;) ) that's one of the things i love the most about my friends brit and jen, they're honest. being with them is like peeling off the top layer of the honesty i want to have in my life. i grow the most when somebody tells me like it is. that's how i grow. that's how i become better. 
this all goes back to me. and i try to remind myself that life is not about me, (but then i question how much of that god thinks is true. because i know there are different opinions, but i think god wants us to be happy, but that's for another day...) but i don't understand why this is what college is looking like for me. i guess my thought is what did i do to deserve this? i know that god makes oceans from the rain, but it's been raining for a long time.
this is long. it wasn't supposed to be depressing, just therapeutic, but it's kind of both.
i know that i am blessed beyond belief.
and i KNOW that the shadow proves the sunshine. and i am so blessed to have a 'home' that is just this amazing. and people that i love this much that that it hurts to think that i can't be part of their lives, and the other way around, like i was just 3 years ago. 
i'm gonna go live today now, instead of just writing this. but... ah there goes my school bus. 115 how i miss you. god please show me the ocean soon. and thank you for the smell of home. the soundtrack of home. 101.5, 100.7, and 102.1. and 103.7. thank you for letting the first 18 years of my life be so amazing. and please redeem that last 3. 'this was never the way i planned....'.