why is life so up and down? sometimes i wish it was steady, but if it was steady where would the goodness of it be? the shadow proves the sunshine. the dark gives meaning to the light. the rain makes the sun brighter. and the rain refreshes the ground too.

eternal. by sanctus real. :)


I know this life I lead will pass away
Along with every other earthly thing
So I will set my heart on a higher plain
Where my treasure lies with You

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours

And I could never lose Your love to sickness
Oh I could never lose You to divorce
And there's no concept of abandonment
For I am safe within Your arms

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours
Oh I am eternally Yours
I am eternally Yours

(No abandonment)
(Safe within Your arms)

I never had enough until I found You
I never knew love until I met You
I never had enough until I found You
And now I have everything

And in this marriage of our hearts
There is no death do us part
For You are eternal
And I am eternally Yours
And I am eternally Yours
Oh I am eternally Yours

I could never lose You
No I will never lose You
I could never lose You

And this life will pass away
But You will never change
Oh this life will pass away
Oh but You will never change

iiiii aaaaam a dreamer.


i used to think i had undiagnosed ADD.  since as long as i can remember, it takes a LOT for me to be able to focus on one thing for a long time.  my mind just goes. to where? lord knows. but it's out there somewhere.
every played the word association game? (a personal road trip fav :) ) well my mind is like the day dream association game.  for instance: i'm sitting in philosophy class and my prof (who is really good!) is talking about... something moral related. so my imagination jumps onto the cloud of 'one day i'm working in the coffee shop- that ash and i started and own- and a stranger starts talking to me about this (morality) and i am so wise about what i'm talking about that they come to respect me and we become friends and i get to share the gospel with them...' then i float to cloud 'one day i am walking down the street and there's a bunch of high schoolers and i stop and talk to them and they think i'm cool and eventually i get to share the gospel with them...' then to cloud 'one day i'm sharing the gospel with someone who i have built up a friendship with and a gorgeous man, who is everything i've always adored in men, walks up join our conversation and then we become friends... and then more then friends....' :) theeen class is over and i have to stop day dreaming for the moment.
is this weird? heck yes! :) definitely don't think for a second that this is how i think people should live life. it's like i'm a chronic dreamer.  sometimes my dreams are way out there. sometimes they're more possible.  one of my biggest possible dreams that has been taking over my thoughts lately is dreaming up the coffee shop i want to open someday.  i dream about where it will be, who i will run it with, what colors it will be inside, what the menu board will look like, ..... for real. just about ridiculous!
now it's not like i sit down and decide to dream these dreams.  no- they're more like passing thoughts.  a million passing thoughts that have created a mountain of dreams.
i daydream about life after college, i daydream about family, i daydream about being 68 (truth), i daydream about how i will die... and the list goes on. is this crazy uncommon? i don't think so. but is this completely healthy? i don't think so either.
isn't it true that sometimes we get so wrapped up in dreams that we forget about today.  on sunday, jon weece said that for so many people that he knows, their favorite day is 'someday'. 'someday' when i buy a boat. 'someday' when i have a family. 'someday' when life slows down. and it keeps going. i am in so many ways one of those people.
one of my favorite lines from harry potter is when dumbledore tells harry 'it does not do for one to live on dreams and in doing so forget to live' and one line i've heard quoted from the music man is something like 'build up enough tomorrows and all you'll find behind you is a pile of yesterdays'.
so the conclusion that i've come to? i can't stop myself from daydreaming- it just happens :) but i CAN change what those daydreams are about. i want to memorize scripture. i want to ponder the depth of life.
what we daydream about shows us what we're mediating on.  i don't want to meditate on what tomorrow will look like- because who knows if it will ever come. i want to mediate of my abba father who i owe my life to.
mumbled thoughts? yes.
ADD? possibly.
a soul that yearns to yearn for eternity and all that that encompasses? definitely.


:)
live today. live it loud. make 'someday' today. love the lord with all your heart.

if i could write a song about my life right now... it might sound a lil like this.

sanctus real: these things take time.





and this song- this song makes me want to have a revolutionary family someday...  
which scares me a little. why? because i have yet to meet a family that rolls the 
way i've always dreamed mine will... and sometimes i worry that my dream of 
family will die when i finally have one.  sometimes i feel like i get more  boring 
as i grow up. i hope this is just a phase.  
i don't want my 20's and 30's or really any of my life too look like the lives of 
people that i see. exceptions to that? kelly allman, lindsay moore, and a few others.
i want it to look like the dreams that i started dreaming in jr. high. one of my 
heros is me in 8th grade- is that allowed? :).  

it's like over the past 3 years i've ruled out the fact that dreams can still come true. 
time to start dreaming again...

love this song.

sanctus real: lead me.




last but not least, i just discovered this song when i was writing this blog.  
i want to be able to sing it soon.


sanctus real: redeemer

today is easter. the day the we celebrate jesus not just dying for our sins, but especially his resurrection. this morning, pastor gino said that he thought today was the most important day in christianity.  i agree. happy resurrection day. on good friday, we celebrate jesus dying for our sins. (and doesn't this show us the meaning of good? good does not mean easy, simple, or the way we would always choose. it means good. profitable. for a bigger purpose.) but on resurrection day, this day, we celebrate jesus raising from the dead. therefore giving us a faith that is not dead but alive.
thank god for giving us this chance for redemption. redemption. what a beautiful word. one of my favorites. that one and moron are together in my top five. ha random i know.
here's the thing about redemption: every time i find myself caught up in the extremities of my sin, i am amazed to remember that the Hand that holds the universe holds me in my brokenness. i am awestruck when i get even a glimpse of what it truly means that god wants to redeem my soul. he is so beautiful.
why does god hate sin? most people would say because it draws us away from him, and i believe this is true, but my jesus-brother shane claiborne said something that rocked my heart. he said that he thought that god hates sin, not just because of the reason above, but also because he knows what it does to us. he hates it because he sees what it does to our hearts and our souls. it breaks our hearts and stains our souls.
thank you god for grace. and that your mercies are new every morning.
i used to think that sin would make us feel good on this earth and only in heaven would we see how broken it made our souls, but i don't think that anymore. even though our major influences tend to tell us that drinking, sex, money, and all things associated will make us happy, they don't. at least not in my life.
i have chased lovers that don't satisfy. oh how i have grown to know that they really truly do not fill us.
i would love to say that, all in all, the presence of god in our lives should be enough. period. but how hypocritical that would be of me.  i love god. not as much as i wish i would, but i love him. and i cannot say that i have ever been truly happy in a valley. valleys are sometimes called peaceful. an amazing rd i had in colorado used the term 'sweet dessert with the lord' once. i do not have the same outlook. valleys break me. desserts make me faint. i need god and real friends together. but an amazing pastor once said that we were made for relationships, and that we cannot survive by ourselves, so saying that god is enough no matter what may not be an accurate statement. i don't know how true that is, but i like that he said it. it helps me understand why i am the way i am. i don't do well being by myself for too long. it breaks me down.
it's beautiful out here at one of my top 3 places in the world: home. :) so i'm gonna go play guitar on the porch with the birds singing along in the most beautiful melodies. 'not a note is out of tune or out of place' with the amazing daffodils that are popping up 'better dressed than any girl on her wedding day'.
happy easter. happy resurrection day. praise the lord for life. for peace. for friends. for redemption. praise be to god for unfailing love. have a blessed day, friends.
here's a peak from an amazing passion play called 'the thorn' at new life church in colorado springs from last year when ash and i went to with matt bean last spring- it really doesn't do it justice though. and under it is a song that will forever remind me of good friday/easter weekend, because it's by phil wickham which reminds me of the thorn (because one of his songs was sung in it) which was over easter weekend :) k peace.

today is so beautiful. i'm sitting on our back porch, there are daffodils popping up everywhere, the birds are talkin up in the trees, the sun is shiiiiining, it's 82*, and tenth ave is on inside but it's coming to me through the screen door. today is beautiful. i just got back from 2 1/2 hour bike ride with brit... we went around the block, which out here means like 10 miles. the sun was beautiful, the trees we awesome, the corn fields told me i was home, and a stop at bandi's halfway reassured that. 
it's funny to me how the sun and warm weather seem to make life better.
so tenth ave is playing inside, and the song 'let it go' is on repeat. here are some of it's perfect lyrics:

this is what i've come to realize lately... i learn best when i read. second best when i listen to something over and over and over again. and third when i hear it just once. doing something is hit or miss learning for me. this is how i learn.
i have amazing friends in my life. i  really do. lindsay, ash, brit, kelly, kate, becky, jessy, so many. the problem is, none of them are immdeiately in my life.  they're all in other states, and i'm in ky. in ky, i have a lot of people i hang out with, but i have yet to meet someone who even comes close to... idk being them? i know that there are all kinds of people in the world. that's really cool. but i really believe that everywhere we go (even different states) has a different culture. a different kind of people that draws it.
i have told people that i love different culutres, but what i'm realizing is that i love third world cultures. i have told people that i love meeting new people, but really i only like meeting new people who are awesome off the bat. i have told people that god is enough period, but in real life god is only enough when i like my circumstances, or at least have solid hope that they're only temporary and that they will get better.
my entire college experience has been a real time of brokeness for me. like real brokenness. like not just sadness, not just confusion, not just wrestling, but real deep falling apart inside. thank god for skin to hold be together... sometimes i feel like it's not going to be strong enough soon, and i'm just gonna spill out everywhere. all my doubts, fears, hopelessness, insecurity, everyyywhere. there's an attractive picture. haha.
before i left indiana, i thought i knew what brokenness was.  i thought brokenness was how sad i was when swinger moved away. i thought brokenness was how left out when my two best friends started drinking and partying without me. there were several times like this, but looking at them now from 3 years up up the road, they were just hurt. at those times, i still had awesome friends and circumstances, i still liked my life- a whole lot, and i still felt young and free with my whole life a head of me. 
when i left indiana, and started life on my own, my pride was quickly broken down. my dreams started becoming unrealistic. my reality didn't come close to measuring up to the dreams i had spent years building upon. 
can i just tell you how old i feel really old?!? i know i'm 'only' 20, but ew. okay wait 10 years ago i was 10. and 5 years ago i was 15. ick i guess it's not that bad. but i still feel old sometimes. by great friend brit and i were talking about this a couple of days ago and she said that it's prob because i hang out with high school kids all the time (yEah youth min :) ) and that's prob true. but even at college.. but i guess look at asbury as a whole and it still makes sense.  i need to find some 22/23 year olds to hang out with more. yeah, that would be good.
music is amazing. it helps be become. it engraves messages into my soul. it helps me become me. 
recent amazing music: compliments of lindsay :) so good.

remembering a trip to the airport  with ash to get callie after spring break 09. going to meadows with brit last friday, after it was supposed to be closed, and then hanging out and talking till like 2. late night/early morning conversations in general. random texts and facebook messages that say i love you from people who i don't get to live everyday beside anymore. lindsay telling me she reads my blog (hiii!!) :). wade head-throw-back laughing about something i said.  aunt joanie and our 5 min talk the other day. mix cds. the tears in an old guatemalan mans eyes when i prayed with him last week.  babies that look like little sumo wrestlers.  a message from the mill i listened to 3 times today. minutes of peace. and remembering that god is faithful, no matter what. he hold our tears, our hearts, and one day he will redeem our brokenness. i cling to this truth. he is good. he loves. oh, how he loves...

have you ever had that sick feeling? the one that starts in your stomach and then spreads to your whole body? like when you hit the realization that what's done is done and you can't go back- no, really, you can't go back. tonight i was hanging out with brit in her dorm room and we were talking... and i really couldn't share my heart because i would even think of something and i felt my eyes welling up.
i asked her if she could redo anything about life what it would be- or maybe she asked me. but regardless, my answer is asbury. i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. brit and i had really great conversation tonight, but all i can think about right now is that fact that i can't redo the past 3 years of my life. fdjknvaf;adjkls. i want to go back. i want to transfer back to iup after hating asbury my freshman year. i want to make friends that live in the same world i do. i want to experience college in a way that even resembles what i always dreamed it would be. asbury is so so so so so... not it.
why? i think that at the root of all of this, my feelings are hurt... because i do not understand why this is happening to me. did i do something? did i not do something? am i a bad person? is this punishment? my constant state of heart goes between numb and angry. i am so afraid that after i graduate i am going to need years of counseling to get over this. i know that is stupid. but this is my biggest self-centered fear.
why? i hate this. my heart is breaking. and i can't take much more of this.... i do not say this angrily... i say this with a broken heart and a dying spirit...

i came home for a week. i got out of classes because pop died, so i came home monday night and i'll be till sunday. 
the whole time i've been at asbury (with the exception of a couple of weeks) i have had a hurting heart. it's not that asbury is bad place, some people love it and that is there place, but it's not mine. at all. it was the perfect school for my sister, why would i think it would be perfect for me too? my heart breaks. 
i went to asbury full of pride because i was getting out of indiana, i wasn't going to go to '13th grade' :), i was going to go to college at a place that was going to be cru on steroids. 
that's not how asbury turned out. to me, asbury is a school for some of the most awkward/strange people i have ever met, and some cool people (but their all media comm... maybe that should have been my major...). whenever i come home, and most of the time i'm at asbury, the consuming emotion of my life is regret. i feel like if i had gone to iup from the beginning have i would be having the 'college experience' i always dreamed of, the one that i was so excited about starting when i left for asbury in 2007. what happened?
people i love a lot tell me that there are awesome people everywhere and i just need to find them, or that i just need to get new friends if i don't like the ones i have, but i don't know how to convey to them that that's not how it works. 
i realize that i am abundantly blessed to have school paid for, like basically everything is paid for right now. i do realize that is incredible, but because my eyes are locked on the other side of the fence, my constant thought is that all those blessings would still have been there if i went to iup. 
last night i had more fun than possibly the rest of my semester at asbury combined. coy's, jed's, clymer, indiana, clymer again, hannah's, jed's again, moo and hannah's, adding some decoration to rachel's room :), creeping around brush valley... .  
the shadow proves the sunshine, but the shadow is so dark, and deep, and overpowering. 
sometimes i'm mad. sometimes i just cry. sometimes i just drive until i realize that i don't have the money to spend on gas, so i turn around ... :). sometimes i go shopping with money i don't have to spend, thinking that if the outside looks the way i want it to, the inside will follow, or the life i want will follow. it doesn't work. and i know that. but i still do it. 
the thing that breaks my heart the most about asbury is that i liked who i was when i left to go there, and now i don't like who i am- at all. when i'm with people at asbury, everything i say is funny, there's no expectation to be greater, there's no social state expected of me, because christians love everyone. ha.
when i was hanging out with people last night, i realized just how much i feel like asbury has socially messed me up. it's like... i don't even know. it's just ...weird. idk.
i guess, i love honesty. like if i have something in my teeth, i want you too tell me about it (ha i know- not life or death ;) ) that's one of the things i love the most about my friends brit and jen, they're honest. being with them is like peeling off the top layer of the honesty i want to have in my life. i grow the most when somebody tells me like it is. that's how i grow. that's how i become better. 
this all goes back to me. and i try to remind myself that life is not about me, (but then i question how much of that god thinks is true. because i know there are different opinions, but i think god wants us to be happy, but that's for another day...) but i don't understand why this is what college is looking like for me. i guess my thought is what did i do to deserve this? i know that god makes oceans from the rain, but it's been raining for a long time.
this is long. it wasn't supposed to be depressing, just therapeutic, but it's kind of both.
i know that i am blessed beyond belief.
and i KNOW that the shadow proves the sunshine. and i am so blessed to have a 'home' that is just this amazing. and people that i love this much that that it hurts to think that i can't be part of their lives, and the other way around, like i was just 3 years ago. 
i'm gonna go live today now, instead of just writing this. but... ah there goes my school bus. 115 how i miss you. god please show me the ocean soon. and thank you for the smell of home. the soundtrack of home. 101.5, 100.7, and 102.1. and 103.7. thank you for letting the first 18 years of my life be so amazing. and please redeem that last 3. 'this was never the way i planned....'.

i just played the HaHa game on the student center porch with hope, logan, jimbob, and someone else... i loose every time. and i love it. today is beautifullll :)

okay. so this weekend i went caving for the first time... it was TIGHT (lol literally) but two coolest things: